Cthulhu, Unfashionably Early

Around 6:20 on an otherwise unremarkable Wednesday morning, July 9, 2008, a slit opened up in the exact center of the universe, which unsurprisingly turned out to be in New York City, though perhaps a little surprisingly in mid-town east, and through it burst Jane Astrid Wednesday Singer Maguire, also sometimes known under the various names, Jane, Jaws Maguire, Darth Pooper, The Gaping Maw, Little Miss Center of My Universe, and occasionally, when trying to curry favor, the Janers (as in “please Janers, just give me 20 seconds, that’s all I ask, 20 seconds, then I’ll pick you up”).

There was much confusion among the natives (as a wise man once said, “if in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout”). Any hope for the survival the pre-Jane status of the parent-bots was crushed by the all-needing Gaping Maw as they both, one included a milk-giving feature but the other was strangely defective in this vitally important performance area, endured the months that time forgot to please their new god.

She looks peaceful, doesn’t she? Don’t let appearances fool you; her personality, much too large for delivery simultaneous with its earthly physical vessel, arrived about two weeks later, after the villagers let their guard down, lulled into a false sense of security by her teasingly temporary need for almost constant sleep.

Now, eight months later, in what can only be called a variation on the Stockholm Syndrome, the natives have grown fond of their new deity. Apparently she gives off a chemical designed to blind them to reality and make them love serving her and only her.

She seems to be getting bigger.